Smitty is the Barstool champion of Verdansk, White Sox Dave gets Utz to bend the knee

When you call yourself “General,” you’ve got to prove that you can lead men, and Smitty of Barstool Sports did that last night when he led Robbie Fox and Rudy Junda to victory in the Battle of Barstool two-hour Call of Duty Warzone kill race.

It wasn’t all smooth sailing for General Smitty, as there were distractions to deal with. Fox, for example, kept getting comms interference from San Diego, where his precious New York Yankees were getting pounded by a team with less than half its payroll.

Poor Masahiro Tanaka wasn’t the only victim of Tampa Bay’s tater assault. Smitty was losing soldiers left and right, but he still clutched his way to victory thanks to his heart, nerves, and sheer gumption. Plus, the team of Hank Lockwood, Glenny Balls, and Billy Football could literally not get out of its own way.

That is a one-way tunnel, Balls! This is just one example of how the General’s leadership is often underrated and rarely appreciated. He’s always in Verdansk with the Balls! When Glenny is in a solo game like Fall Guys, he’s composed and poised for victory. In team games like COD? We get a big dose of chaos, smothered in dysfunction sauce. He’s still such a young Balls, so there’s a chance that Glenny learns to play well with others in the future.

Meanwhile, the wild card squad of Young Mantis, Shaun Latham, and pro basketball player Terrence Ross kept things interesting and forced Team Hank into a last-place finish.

The punishment for the cellar dwellers? A 5,000-word blog on a topic of Team Smitty’s choosing. There’s no word yet on whether Hank, Balls, and Billy will divide the word count evenly or whether they will again risk putting Balls in the driver’s seat. Maybe if they write about what makes the Rays such a highly competitive team in a sport with no salary cap, it will help Fox come to terms with his team’s loss.

I know what you’re all thinking by now. Where was HooliganZ hopeful White Sox Dave during this exhilarating tournament? It’s not like he had a baseball game to cover. Don’t worry, Dave still found a way to keep himself busy. He was feuding with a potato chip mascot.

It all started when White Sox ace Lucas Giolito tweeted that the little Utz girl is giving him nightmares. Utz is the lead sponsor of the ALDS this season, so we’ve all been seeing a little too much of the rosy-cheeked mascot lately. The Utz account then trolled Giolito about him not getting to play in the ALDS since his team lost in the Wild Card Series.

White Sox Dave, always one to defend the honor of his favorite players, stepped in and put Utz on his extensive list of people and organizations banned from the White Sox bandwagon. Surprisingly, Utz begged to be removed.

Even more surprisingly, Dave complied, but not before Utz bent the knee!

Makes sense, since WSD is basically the human version of a cheese ball. Who gets creeped out by the little girl anyway? She’s freaking adorable.

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